How the F do you write parody?
by anerol152
Summary: The title says it all, I'm never writing parody again. Summary : Xavier was not some superpowerd baby from space with a long foretold destiny, though he did have a fate and that fate was to prove, one and for all, that there's no such thing as magic
**Round 3**

 **AN: Pride of Portree (so the team challenge is Pride)**

 **Chaser 2**

 **Optional prompts:** **(genre) parody, (dialogue) "There's no such thing as magic!",** **(** **occasion) first day at school**

 **Word Count:** **1751 - 2000**

 **Writing : Xavier Jade Hexworthy (Proud godparents : Cypress and Knarf)**

-line stuff-

Xavier found out that he wasn't normal like the other children at age five. No, he wasn't a space baby with super powers and a self-sacrificial destiny or anything like that. Well, he believed that he wasn't, although that would have explained quite a few things that happened later on in his life…

No. Xavier was simply a normal—by most human standards that is—child who randomly set his teachers on fire. Whoops! It wasn't as if he actually _wanted_ to set his teachers on fire, it just happened. Well, there _was_ that one time, but that didn't count, the teacher was obviously a werewolf; he was doing people a favor by getting rid of her.

Most children would be deeply traumatised and in need of a psychiatrist for much smaller things, but not Xavier. No, he just sat there and giggled while the rest of the class looked at him in fright. Looking back, that might have been an unwise thing to do if one didn't want others to think they were a psychopath, but he was five—it wasn't like he knew any better.

Shortly after that, a group of oddly dressed people in dress-like clothes appeared out of thin air and started shouting loud words that didn't make any sense like Obliviate, Muggles, crazy old goats, magic and being too old for working in the Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects.

It was all very strange for the young child to see those things happening, and it made him get some very dangerous ideas: Such as taking hold of one of those dress-like clothes and accidentally splinching himself when the weird people 'popped' away.

No, setting his teacher on fire wasn't enough to traumatise _this_ young child. Being transported across half the country and finding himself with two missing fingers _was_.

Everyone in the Atrium stopped to stare for a moment as the piercing wail of a small child with two missing bleeding fingers filled the room. All was still for half a second before one of them yelled for someone to go fetch a healer. Then all of a sudden everyone started yelling and moving at the same time. It was too much for the young child, who, in his fright, unknowingly apparated away, horrified by all of the things that had happened to him in that short amount of time.

He appeared back in his school and was taken to the hospital to help stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, there was nothing they could do to save his fingers but he did get a lollipop, so it was all right.

That day was a series of firsts for Xavier: his first encounter with accidental magic, the first time he side-along apparated, the first time he was truly afraid and the first time he learnt to hate magic and refuse to believe in the notion of magic being real.

In the years to follow, he did his best to try and explain all of the weird things that happened around him without contributing it to magic.

His teachers randomly burst into flames when he was feeling great anger or resentment towards them. The other kids must have been doing that to prove that he was a 'psychotic psychopath that psychotically set's people on fire' as they now called him (or the 'Triple P' which he resented since there wasn't a single _P_ in his name).

Things suddenly started floating when his mind was filled with rage towards anyone or anything. His parents must have been trying to prove that 'it's all right to believe in magic, and it's not going to hurt you, that was just an accident and it won't happen again' and all the other silly things his psychiatrist made them do to 'help him surpass the trauma'. As if that had ever done him any good.

Yes, Xavier had an explanation for everything from flying frogs to singing chipmunks, which is why he took only one look at the letter of acceptance to a 'magic school' before he threw it into the trash.

But it looked as if fate had other plans for him. And those plans came in a tight package of angst, bitter resentment and bad odours.

Yes, the Old Goat had decided to send the snarky Potions Professor to try and convince a high functioning magic hating muggleborn that magic was real and that he better get his arse on platform 9 ¾ on September first 'or so Merlin help me, I'll turn you and that despicable fame-seeking brat into potion ingredients.'

Let it never be said that Dumbles was known for his wise decisions when dealing with children.

Somehow, against all odds, the Potions Professor managed to convince the young Xavier that going to school would be the best possible option unless he wished to get maimed or permanently turned into a frog.

Now if the professor had paid more attention to the boy, he would have seen the slightly manic glint that entered his eyes while he plotted about proving the whole school, especially the smelly professor and insane headmaster, that there was no such thing as magic.

* * *

Xavier stared at the wall between platforms nine and ten. He had been staring at it ever since he had seen a bunch of redheads seemingly pass right through the wall without anyone noticing it.

He tried to put his hand on the wall but it went right through it. He stepped through the gateway whilst trying to figure out how the trick worked. He decided that it must have included a lot of mirrors or even hypnosis.

He was so distracted by it that he didn't even see the smaller boy crouching in front of him until he tripped over him. Xavier was quick to apologise and even offered to help the boy stand up.

"Oh no, it's really my fault," the boy said, "I really should watch where I'm standing. Oh are you a first year? You do seem small, but then again, who am I to talk? Me? Oh sorry, my name is Potter, James Potter, Harry James Potter. What's your name? Xavier Jade Hexworthy? That's a pretty cool name, mate."

Harry turned around as a slightly taller girl with huge teeth and a really bad case of bed hair called for the boy to hurry up lest they miss the train.

"Well, that's my cue. Hope I'll see you in Gryffindor, bye." and then he ran off towards the girl and a tall and lanky redhead standing next to her. Harry was a really strange boy.

He took his luggage and searched for a compartment. He found an empty one in the middle of the train and settled there. It was a long and boring ride from there on.

* * *

He had to admit, the castle looked quite spectacular when seen under the clear starry sky. It certainly had the 'wow' effect that made his brain stop plotting, even if only for a moment or two.

He got out of the boats with the rest of the first years and stood patiently while the giant (not a real one, it must be just an unfortunate mutation) talked with the stern Professor. He briefly wondered how was it possible for so many people to be so deluded and all cult-like, but he quickly abandoned that train of thought before he could give himself nightmares.

Finally, they were let in and told to wait in front of the gates while the Professor got everything ready for the sorting. That was another thing that bothered him. If the rumors were to be believed they were supposed to get sorted by a _hat_! As if the hat was a real person capable of making such important decisions! He couldn't help but feel sorry for his poor deluded peers.

The professor led them into an enormous hall with floating candles, which were obviously just tied with strings to make it seem that way, a 'starry' night sky on the ceiling (just more illusions with mirrors) and four tables full of children and teens looking at them as if they were a piece of steak.

He really hoped there were no cannibals present in the room.

The students were alphabetically sat on a stool and had their heads covered by a battered old hat that would shout a name of a certain house every now and then. It must've been a robot of some kind.

It was finally his turn to sit on the chair and get 'sorted' by a hat.

He didn't know what to expect, but a voice in his head wasn't it. Don't get him wrong, it wasn't uncommon for him to hear different voices in his head every now and then, but this was certainly a new sensation.

'What a mind, what a mind,' the voice in his head said. 'I'm no voice in that insane head of yours! What is wrong with these children these days!' There was nothing wrong with him; his missing fingers and questionable sanity aside, he was the epitome of normality. There was nothing freaky or _magical_ about him. 'Just keep telling yourself that kid and you just might make yourself believe it.' He decided to ignore the hat and wait until 'it' decided where he should go.

'I am this close to putting you into Slytherin just for that comment mister, but since the old manipulator needs all his muggleborns students, cough minions cough, in the 'good' houses... RAVENCLAW it is!'

"Stupid hat. Me being the one deluded about magic? _As if_. Besides... There's no such thing as magic!" Xavier mumbled as he walked to the Ravenclaw table.

The whole table cheered in pride and joy as they welcomed their newest member. If only they knew of the plans that certain first year had. Perhaps then they could've had a chance to stop him while the world still had a chance.

"Now stop that! No spoilers, remember? We can't have them knowing the future just yet. Wait for a few days, or weeks." a small blonde said with a smirk as she played with her bottlecaps necklace.

'She must be one of those fake psychics that are 'able' to tell you your future or something,' he thought.

"Believe what you will, but beware, fate has big plans for you."

He decided to ignore her and continue his plotting. Fate, as if mere _Fate_ was enough to control him.


End file.
